Grace Tu

Grace Tu

Saturday, July 16, 2016



This picture was taken on the day we first brought Nimo to our home many years ago. It was taken in our car in the parking lot. 

We went on vacation on December 16 last year. During the mid-night of December 18, the caregiver started sending us video of Nimo having seizures. Nimo was brought to the emergency room at the animal hospital. A few hours later, after allowing the hospital to use whatever means to save her, we had to let Nimo go.

We were at my parents apartment in Taipei. Anya was very happy; she didn't know and she was too young and probably knew Nimo too little to understand, so we asked if my mom would play with her in the dining room. Alan and I talked to the doctor on the phone in my room. The doctor was very kind. She seemed to understand how guilty we felt that we could not be there. We asked both the doctor and the caregiver to tell Nimo how much we loved her and how sorry we were. We hung up the phone and we started sobbing uncontrollably.

Many years ago when Heimoo, our other dog died, we went through an extended period of pain and we both got into fights with our parents because we did not think they understood. With Nimo the pain was not less and the guilt was so deep, but this time, we knew we needed to put ourselves together. So eventually I stopped crying and I told Alan, the only thing we could do now, to make it up to Nimo, is to love our loved ones and show them we love them. Everything was understood between us and we stopped sobbing.  We walked out and gave our daughter a big hug and told her we loved her. We cooked for her, fed her and played with her. And while we were doing all these things we forced ourselves to not think about what happened... We had to because otherwise the pain and guilt would overwhelmed us and consumed us and leave us incapable of taking care of ourselves and people around us.

But I did not stop missing Nimo. What I discovered was that missing her and thinking about what happened can be separated. One of the saddest things about having to leave this apartment eventually is that this was where almost all our memories of Nimo were created. She was there at the very beginning, when we were still sleeping on the floor. Every time someone knocked on our door we thought of Nimo because she was such a good family watchdog. Every now and then I told Alan how happy Nimo would be in the house we are moving in with us but again I did now allow myself to think about that for too long.

Then this morning, out of nowhere, or perhaps not out of nowhere because as usual I read the news when I got up and the news were mostly about all the terrible things that's happening in the world. I went to Alan and talked about Nimo, and suddenly I started crying and I allowed myself to continue because Anya was still sleeping.

And I thought, okay it's probably time to write something down. So here it is.

We love you, Nimo. You probably did not feel it when you left. But we really do. And I am so sorry. But we will try our best to make it up to you, the way we know how.

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