Grace Tu

Grace Tu

Sunday, March 23, 2014

My Dear Baby: I am a coward, but I am brave

My Dear Baby,
Every since you were born , I have been doing most of my thinkings in the early mornings, when I am the only one up.  I try to get up as early as possible, no matter how late we stay up the night before, because this is usually the only time of the day when I can devote all that's in me to myself.
For the past few mornings I have been contemplating the same question - how have I changed since I became your mom?

To some people, giving birth and having children (especially the first one) is a dramatic event which allow them to suddenly, unexpectly, have new perspectives of life.

Let me be honest with you, your coming, while bringing me so much overwhelming joy and challenges, did not change essentially who I am as a person. 

This does not mean that I don't love you as much, or that you are not important to me enough to change me. Rather, it means I already loved you (or to be more precisely, the idea of you) before you existed. In my mind and my head, I already took the steps I could have taken in becoming your mom, long before you were born.

I am not saying that becomeing a mom did not change me at all, just that the changes did not overcome me like a storm. They are so subtle that I only realized it after those deep thinkings in those early mornings.

So, how have I changed?

My dear baby, I have become much more cowardly (or maybe the word should be "careful"). I am so careful about everything and every person that might do you any type of harm. I am careful even about expressing my opinions when I am with you, because you are still so tiny, so fragile, and so pure, and I am afraid of any retaliation against me that might hurt you in some ways.

But my dear baby, I am also so much stronger and so much braver than before.  I now have the strength of a mother, so strong that I believe I can protect you and our family from anything; so strong that I believe I can endure hardships which I could not endure before.

Do you understand the coexistence of this cowardness and braveness of me? I wish you could one day. 









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