Grace Tu

Grace Tu

Saturday, December 28, 2013

My Dear Baby

Last night at 4am I walked out of the room holding you in my arms
You were crying so hard your face was all red
I had no energy in me anymore and I told you dad I didn't deserve to be you mommy because I could not even soothe you
You have been crying for hours during the nights for few days now
It really break my heart to see you like this and your dad and I are so tired
But you know what's weird?
As frustrated as I am, whenever you are not with me for more than a couple of hours, I miss you like crazy...
I would feel relived for a while and happily get to my chores, and then I would miss you like crazy...
I would miss the feeling of holding you, cuddling with you, and looking into your eyes
I think this is love - no matter how tired you have caused me
My heart follows you because you are a part of me and I am a part of you

Monday, December 23, 2013

She's All Alan


As much as I wanted the baby to look like me (I hoped she at least get my eyes), most people are telling me that she looks a lot more like Alan (especially her eyes...).  
While I am very happy and relieved that she's got Alan's good genes, I am also a little jealous.
I mean really, when I look at the baby picture of me... I can sort of see Anya-Grace there.
Anya-Grace 2013

Grace 1983

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How Tiny You Were - Videos

I took these videos when Anya-Grace was only 2 and 4 days old...
It is hard to imagine how tiny she was and how much she's grown already in one month.
Alan and I laugh every time we see her double chin (and it's more like triple chin now!)
By turning the sound on, you can hear her hiccups in the first video. She does that a lot, even when she was in my belly, and I absolutely love it - I remember calling Alan up during the nights so he could feel it. Seeing in front of me what I could only feel when I was pretty magical. 




Saturday, November 30, 2013

My Dear Baby

My Dear Baby,

It has been more than two weeks since you were born, and I am still adjusting to my new role as your mommy.

Giving birth to you was a traumatic experience, but there was no time to really take a break.  I was to, in a different way, become a biggest piece of your world immediately afterwards.

More than ten hours a day while you were awake I fed you, cuddled with you, soothed you so you would stop crying, and take as many pictures of you as I could when you were in a good mood.  And while you were sleeping, I went over the parenting books over and over again, wanting to make everything even better for us.

At times I felt very blue and lost. I felt like the version of me that I knew so well was very far away, and that all that's accumulated in me for years was gone. But then I realized they are still in me, and I am just giving myself to you in a way that you needed now - to survive, and to know that there is already someone in the world who loves you so.

And you know... Every time I gave you my fingers when you suddenly stretched your arms to look for security, it's like magic.  And when I watched you smiled for me for the very first time yesterday, my heart melted.




Sunday, October 20, 2013

Over the Weekend


Even though I brought as much work home for the weekend as I could,
I ended up spending most of the days reading parenting books and getting our little apartment in shape for the baby - Look at the giant crib that we put together!
To me the parenting books are so much more interesting than all the pregnancy books that I've been reading. I felt like I was back to school studying psychology and I would read the good chapters out loud so Alan could hear while doing other works.
In the process of making more room for the baby, I dug up boxes of old letters from friends and family. Most of these letters are dated before facebook became popular, and a lot of them were from my friends in Taiwan who wrote to gave me emotional support after I moved to Canada and when I felt lonely or lost. It felt really good to touch the paper and the ink - I've missed it.
I also dug up a lot of the gifts that I plan to give to my baby girl when she grows up. Over the years I've been very blessed and have received many gifts, and I have not had chances to really make uses of a lot of them.  I am so glad that I kept them so well because now I will be able to give all of them to our little girl.  Most importantly, I will be able to tell her who and where these gifts were from, and I hope she will understand, for example, how special it is to receive a handmade clutch that her Japanese great grandmother gave me, or a beautiful mirror that her spoiled mother insisted on buying from a boutique store even though it was originally not for sale.
Hope you had a wonderful weekend too.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Friday, October 4, 2013

Not Easy

I have been very tired mentally and physically for the last little while.

Most of the nights I don't sleep well and spend 2/3 of the nights just trying to make myself fall asleep.

When I do fall asleep I have bad dreams, but having some rest is better than no rest at all.

There are so many thoughts and worries in my head.

I know this is just temporary.

It's just not very easy.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

My Dear Baby

My dear baby in the belly,

This evening I came home to your father with a big frown on his face.

Somebody had hit our car and run away while he's at the bank.

At dinner he started to smile a little, and by the time when we were walking in the park holding hands talking about you, the frown was gone.

I think we made that frown went away, and my heart was full of joy because of that.

You will soon or later learn about happiness on your own, but let me share this one with you. This type of happiness, the type that you get when you make someone who is truly important to you happy, is so deep... so profound, and it will stay with you to feed your soul. 


Sunday, September 8, 2013